Oh hockey, you silly son of a bitch.

Here we are again folks, something big enough happened in sports that I feel I MUST talk about it. You probably haven’t heard about it yet, barely any reports in it….next to nothing on YouTube, BUT in the Calgary Flames versus Vancouver Canucks game, there was a huge brawl within seconds. I know, I know, I’ll give you a minute to go find out about this all on your own, watch the videos, the interviews, etc. and then we can collectively say “what in the actual fuck?”

Ready? Okay. Can we all just high five the Globe and Mail for their timely article published today on the cost of injuries in hockey? *timely highfive* yay! (You can find the article here, you’re welcome)

Canadian hockey has me all torn up inside. I’m from Canada, I live in Toronto. I grew up 40 minutes east of Toronto, I should be a die hard leafs fan…but instead I’d rather die hard than be a leafs fan (they suck, really, really bad…I just can’t guys. I’m sorry, I can’t.) After dealing with the internal struggle of “to hate or not to hate the leafs, that is the question,” I decided to pick another Canadian hockey team….the Vancouver Canucks. Alas, the whole “let’s burn this fucking city!!” thing happened before Canucks fans realized they were burning their own city, come on Canada, you’re better than this!!! So now I’m like, shit, I’ve got what, a new team, the Flames and the Canadiens to root for. Let me tell you I gave up pretty fucking quickly and just cheer for whichever team has the best playoff beards. (Side note: a solid playoff beard is hard to come by. These under 20 players are ruining the sexy, bearded, teeth missing men that hockey is all aboot).

And here we are, two Canadian teams that should LOVE each other and be best friends over their shared love of all things Canadian (Tim Horton’s, whiskey, beer, beavers, geese, poutine, etc.) drop their little mitties within seconds of the start of the game. How uncanadian! Calgary, I know you’re a bunch of wreckless cowboys with a shitty flaming C as a logo, and Canucks, don’t even get me started on your logo, but is this how you settle that kind of dispute?? Goodness.

Now, Torty (aka Torts, but I’m going to call him Torty cause it’s cuter and I like it) is all suspended for 6 games and it’s just like “hold on a damn minute!” Yea his intentions were to knock the other guy, Hartley’s teeth out….but can you blame him? You send out your gooniest of goons and in a sort of “let’s just play the game yo,” Torty sends out some less goony goons…but chaos ensues! Children cover your eyes, violence is afoot! Perhaps it’s part of the sport, but if that’s the case shouldn’t the coaches get a chance to knock each other around a bit? I’d pay a lot of money to see two suited up, salt and pepper, forehead veined coaches to slap on some skates and slap at each other on the ice. I mean, how could that not be hilariously entertaining? It would be lovely, and you know it.

I played girl hockey until I was 15, so I don’t know much about the sport…except that girls often scream and say they’re sorry instead of getting angry…you know, the Canadian way. I do enjoy a good hockey fight, they look so silly…gripping each other’s jerseys in a kind of Jack and Rose “don’t let go” Titanic moment, with the odd swipe at the others face…and then “ashes, ashes, we all fall down!” And then they snuggle on the ice for a little bit, one or both players inevitably resurfaces with some blood on his face, a tooth or two missing, a finger bent in the wrong direction…but it’s all been fun, they smooch and bow and skate their respective boxes and draw love notes to each other on the glass….later their parents discuss dowries and they live happily ever after! But guyyyuyuyuys, this time the fights were everywhere and with everyone!! Some guys were getting hit by more than one guy and what’s a guy to do? I personally would fetal position and get to stay in the game and be like “HAHAHAHAHAHA now we don’t only have 4 defence men like we actually did in real life!” And the other team would be like “dang, good call!” And there would be glove bumps all around.

I clearly did not watch the game, only the fighting and the interviews and what have you. I can tell you that the canuckertons won! So, that’s good cause they got their asses beat pretty hard in the first 2 seconds of the game. They also had to send a poor little guy away cause he was already injured and it was like “dude, take care of yourself” and they all hugged it out (probably) and again, lived happily ever after. I must say that my respect for the players of the Vancouver Canucks went up…they were all so friendly in their interviews and all in the mindset that Torty did what he had to to protect his players. Not a single one was like “yo he went down the hall faster than Usain Bolt to knock out that Hartley bitch,” they played it cool with a simple Rob Ford type “I can’t comment on any hallway running I don’t know happen and didn’t see” type comment. Good job guys.

The moral of this tale is that I don’t get hockey, and I don’t think Torty should’ve been suspended. It’s like sticking your hand in a dogs face until he bites and then putting him down, that’s just rude. Perhaps his conduct was not coachy, but this is the good ol’ hockey game, and damn it, if the players can drop their gloves and have at it before the puck drops, why can’t Torty punch Hartley? Only seems fair, how else can you send players out to their impending doom if you’re not going to risk a few brain cells and bones in the process?

I demand a rematch, Torty vs. Hartley 2014! They each get to pick a wrestling partner (for the record, I pick Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to watch with me) and then they fight!
But first, they have to put on skates and helmets and the whole shebang, get on that ice and SHOW TIME! “Ladies and gentlemen, in the right corner….THE ONE, THE ONLY, TOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRTYYYYYYYY! And in the left corner, the bane of his existence, the goon of goons, THE GUY WHO COACHES THE FLAMES….HAAAAAARTLLEEEEEYYYYYY!” *ding ding ding* “round one! Oh, and they both ran away for fear of pain, that’s it folks. No refunds.”

That’s exactly how that would go, I was there.

Okay, hockey is silly, exciting but silly. Don’t even get me started on the whole high sticking thing.

Thanks for coming! I apologize for most likely abandoning my argument half way through, but that’s how I rizolllll. *gang sign*

Ps, it’s my mom’s birthday in 25 minutes :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOTHER GOOSE!

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